Jill Anderson (Laff Tent, Las Vegas, 2007):

Thanks for having me everyone, it’s great to be here in Las Vegas!  I love this town!  Anyone here from Boston?  Yeah, I live in Boston.  There’s some terrible neighborhoods in Boston.  I was walking down the street in my neighborhood the other day when suddenly this homeless guy jumped out of nowhere and got all in my face.  He’s got this Bible and he’s literally thumping it right at me.  

               Seriously though, I feel like my life has new meaning ever since I became a mom.  I just love my new baby so much and I’m so happy and fulfilled by taking care of her.  Children are so amazing.  Even just giving birth was this incredible experience for me.  It was completely life-changing, you know?  It’s like, before I had a child, I really had no understanding of the enduring power of love.  Bringing new life into the world is just really the most inspiring and worthwhile thing I have ever done.

                You’ve been a great audience, thank you so much! 

Myra Briggs (Chuckle Hut, NYC, 2009):  

Hello New York!  I love it here.  Seriously, such a great place.  But you know what I don’t love?  Your f*#&ing airports—am I right?  It doesn’t matter where you fly into; NYC airports are absolutely the worst.

You know what I do love though?  Shopping!  Especially for shoes. It’s funny, I already have a lot of shoes–I mean, a LOT of shoes, all different kinds– but sometimes when I’m getting dressed up to go out with my girlfriends, it’s like I still feel like I have barely ANY options as far as shoes to wear.  You know what I mean?  And shoe-shopping cheers me up like nothing else.  When I’m having a bad day, sometimes I head over to DSW and just browse the shoes for an hour.  Even if I don’t buy any, it really turns my whole mood around.

              Wow, you guys are the best!  Thanks for coming out tonight!

Gwen Daughtry (Bedford Grill, Chicago, 2010):

            So the other day my husband and I went out to dinner, and we were at this French restaurant we’d never been to before– and the menu was completely unpronounceable!  It made me feel like an idiot!  I didn’t know what any of the dishes were, so when the waiter got there I just pointed at one and nodded, like I knew what I was talking about.  

            Also, I have to ask, can anyone here recommend a good moisturizer?  One that’s really light– I have oily skin– but also that lasts all day?  They stopped making the one I’d been using for years, and it’s been pretty rough experimenting with new brands, you know?  I’d much rather try out something that’s been suggested to me.  My problem is, my forehead and nose get really oily, but my cheeks are always so dry!  Also, I’ve heard that as you age, certain types of moisturizer– mostly tinted– just kind of sink into the wrinkles on your face and make you look older.  That’s why I’ve always tried to stay away from tinted moisturizer.

            You guys have been great!  Thank you so much!

Karen Marble (Tuney McGee’s, Ft. Worth, 2012):

            So lately I’ve been on this diet, and it’s really cramping my style—by which I mean, my ability to subsist on straight Burger King three meals a day.  We’ve all been there, right?  You guys know what I’m talking about?

            Anyway cramps bloating high heels Pamprin equal pay have a headache appletini BFF tampons maternity clothes uterus mani-pedi heavy flow crying probiotic yogurt mascara!

            Thanks, everyone!  You’re all fabulous!  Good night!

Posted by iheardtell in Uncategorized Tags: comedians, Funny women, Women, women are funny