I, Barney McFly, the Co-Committee Chair of the National Organization of Insects, would like to publicly address an issue which is of vital importance to the winged community.  Namely, I would like to make it clear that our organization does not now and never will have any kind of association with PETA.  We do not seek PETA’s support nor do we champion their causes.  Our ancient and widespread organization would in fact like to express our continued support for Barack Obama—a President whom, we might add, is a damn good shot.  Well played, Barack.  Well played.  You are a worthy adversary.

In the wake of the President’s now infamous televised attack on an unarmed insect, several organizations moved quickly to condemn his actions.  Most notable among them was PETA, which issued a statement which the association should itself take to heart.  “Human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act,” declared PETA, an increasingly fringe group whose petty and self-righteous diatribes against a ridiculous spectrum of perceived animal cruelties have grown gradually more insufferable to even the most die-hard animal rights activists.  To put it bluntly, I may be a fly, but even I don’t want anything to do with their shit.

I know PETA is interested in cheap and easy publicity, but this time they’ve gone too far.  Have they never heard of the insect Code of honor, Semper Fly?  (Roughly translated: Those who can, flee, those who can’t, squish).  That blessed fly died an honest death at the capable hands of one of the world’s most respected leaders.  His millions of children will be honored by his passing.  PETA, your half-baked philosophies bring shame to the Code.  The NOI doesn’t need your pity, just as you do not deserve our respect.

“Nation, I will right back,” he said, glancing around.  “I am honored to have been chosen to lead this country, which is almost tragically unrecognizable from the America which my predecessor vowed to serve eight years ago, or even from the America which I myself vowed to serve two years ago.”

Obama added, “We are in the midst of the worst economic and housing crisis in 80 years.  Our healthcare system is on the verge of collapse, and our military is growing increasingly weak and overburdened.  I am very eager to take full responsibility for getting our nation back on the right track, and to begin correcting the criminal and unjust wrongs of so many who were in power during the previous administration.”

In closing, Obama said, “I’ll just be a minute.  You wait right here.”

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PS: North Carolina?  Went Blue.