I can’t lie to myself anymore about the work I’m going to do today/tonight/when I am steady enough to walk again. These lies poison my soul and irritate my friends. Each time I stand up from dinner and announce that my plans tonight are to get a little reading done, maybe study some flashcards, then turn in early, an angel loses its wings. Or at least gets heartburn. This cannot go on.
My latest endeavor is to have a completely open, honest relationship with at least myself. I know damn’ well that I am not going to walk into my room, pick up a book and read for an hour, though it’s what desperately needs to be done. I won’t go on the Internet and immediately begin my research on the history of the tent.
No, when I get to my room, before getting started on that six-page paper, I call the friend who is in the class with me to complain about the length and difficulty of the assignment. When I get off the phone, I tidy up my desk. I feed my fish. I water my plants. I wonder why living things that need my attention receive it only when I’m putting off doing work. Perhaps my priorities are a little off. At this stage I should only have children if I plan to have the kind of high-pressure job that makes feeding them become an attractive alternative to meeting deadlines. So, the paper. Right. First, better make some Ramen. And a mix tape…
I now assume that carrying a book with me like a security blanket everywhere I go is equivalent to reading it. Consequently I lug books to places where reading is at the least inappropriate and at most impossible. I have sat in darkened friends’ rooms and watched movies with Sociology readings in my lap. I have gone to parties in the Old Gym with Crime and Punishment tucked under my arm. My books become battered and worn from their constant travels but still remain very much unread.
It is my hope that being brutally honest with myself about the ways in which I am actually going to spend my time, rather than the ways in which I have the best intentions of spending it, will shame me into better study habits. Probably, though, it will just shame me.