[Subtitle: Molly Might Need to be on Clozapine]
Sharp Cheddar: Is fun to have around but sometimes hits a little too close to the mark with her jokes. Zesty.
Mild Cheddar: Bland, but dependable. She’s who you’d call if you wanted someone to see 27 Dresses with; if you actually want to see 27 Dresses. I do not.
Monterey Jack: Is that guy you are always trying to set friends up with, but it never pans out. He’s too nice or something. Or he sweats a lot, and tells meandering stories. Either or. Somehow off.
Swiss: This guy’s got a nutty flair, and an exotic European edge. But there’s something you don’t trust. Sometimes you feel like you can see right through him.
I Heard Tell 
donn
Terrific post, Molly!
If I may add one:
Soy cheese: The Birkenstock-wearing, unshowering, unnaturally orange of all cheeses. He’s a blast at parties, but sleeps too much and kinda smells.
Anne
I think this is getting printed and going on my fridge. Awesome.