Ladies and gentlemen, I wish to bring to your attention a growing problem that, if left unchecked, will rapidly proliferate into a variety of other problems with different disease-curing functions. I’m talking, of course, about Stem Cells. They’re here, they’re cells, and no matter what type of cell they decide to become at any given moment, (even an apple-pie cell) they’re always un-American.
It’s time we recognize these teeny, good for nothing or everything cells for what they really are; parasitic fame-whores, intent on destroying American values even as they help pump blood through aging American valves. These wanna-bes don’t care what kind of cells they have to morph into become rich and famous and attract all sorts of sleazy little groupie enzymes. Reinventing itself as a younger-looking cell with a taut new membrane and sexier stems every time you turn around, the stem cell is the Madonna of the research circuit. And I for one have had enough.
These slippery little cells will stop at nothing to grow with scientific encouragement and nurturing into the kinds of specialized cells needed to help individuals who suffer from arthritis and Parkinson’s. That’s all fine and good, if you have those diseases, which I am vaguely familiar with but not personally affected by— but more importantly, you have to wonder about such a cell. What kind of moral fiber can it possibly have? What sort of traditional values was it raised with? In my opinion, this drifter, this three-faces-of-Eve cell is bound to become a bad influence on any other cells it encounters. It will doubtless encourage every lowly and humdrum Bob-the-liver or Dolores-the-pancreatic cell to dream of a life spent as an impressive, high-profile heart or brain cell. Not every cell gets to do the glamorous job—unless it’s a stem cell. What kind of connections do these cells have, anyway? Where’s the rich uncle stem cell that started all of this? It’s nepotism at its most basic level!
We have entered a sad age when even the jobs of our own organs are being outsourced. An honest day’s work in the endocrine system is being snatched away from hard-working American cells that just want to make a living. So what if some of the cells that were proudly made in the USA aren’t up for the job—can’t we give them a second chance before turning immediately to foreign labor? Perhaps these American cells just need better healthcare.