Stephon Johnson and I also  took on David and Victoria Beckham in the latest issue of the Perpetual Post.  Read our two sides here.

“They Like Us!  They Really Like Us!”

When the Beckhams relocated from England to settle across the pond in Los Angeles, I, like many other Americans, wasn’t quite sure what to think.  Should this news thrill me?  Should it fill me with pride?  Should I pretend I didn’t hear it, so that if I happened to run into Victoria Beckham buying bunion slings in a Hollywood CVS I could glance at her archly over my ten-pack of Almond Joys and sniff, “What are you doing here?”

Really, why was this even news?  Was there a faint cosmic shift in the fabric of the universe when the jet carrying the Beckhams touched down at LAX?  Did Americans pause and raise their heads like meerkats when David’s cleats hit the tarmac?

I for one was wary of this strange move.  Particularly when I heard the news that Victoria was going to be filming a reality show about her arrival in the US.  How could she not be mocking us with every brittle bone in her birdlike body?  But if Posh and Becks were only in it for the scorn, why set up permanent residence here?  Was it for the satisfaction of knowing that they were thinner, more athletic and less smiley than 102% of the US population?  Were they trying to show Yankee celebrities how you really walk down Park Avenue in 9” heels?  Were they missionaries on a pilgrimage to teach lowly Americans about the world-except-for-America-renowned game of Soccer?  Or, as I believe non-Americans call it, Foot Game?

Right, the soccer thing.  Apparently Becks got a job playing soccer in an American soccer team, because—who knew!—we actually have that here for people over the age of 8.  That’s right—unless I’m wrong, David Beckham is currently playing soccer for a league that is not prefaced by the words “Pee Wee”.  I’ll bet he’s pretty good.  The man plays a mean Foot Game.

At this point it’s been two years since the Beckhams set up camp in a California mansion, and they show no signs of vanishing anytime soon, aside from the signs of vanishing which Victoria displays every time she is photographed in public.  It seems they enjoy our charming, old-fashioned way of life.  Then there is the fact that their eldest child is named Brooklyn.  This signifies that a respect and a perhaps even a fondness for the United States, lurks somewhere within the polished and unsmiling personas of the Beckhams.  Deep down, they know they love us.