Jeff Morrow and I took on Corporations in this week’s Perpetual Post. His side is much better than mine. Read it here!
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I don’t understand why everyone is so concerned about the fact that corporations are now free to donate massive sums of money to promote the political candidates of their choosing.
Corporations are an enormous and hallowed part of American life! We spend our lives wrapped tightly in the warm embrace of a colorful range of different companies. They feed us, entertain us, teach our children what is important, tell us what to drive and how to dress and where to shop. I ask you, where would we be without the guidance and leadership we enjoy thanks to enormous conglomerates and their hundreds of faithful CEOs, boards of directors, advertising executives and other employees? What would we do without them?
Why this sudden indignation at the idea of giving corporations the same freedoms and rights as people, anyway? Corporations already have personalities which we all know and love! You know as well as I do that Disney is the amiable, heartwarming and child-friendly but still evil one. PepsiCo is the dark horse with the evil heart of gold. Frito-Lay is its cheerful, friendly subsidiary that makes evil snacks. Fox is the sneaky evil conservative one. Kraft Foods is the gross one. And on and on! Please—we KNOW these corporations! They are like family to us! Why not give them a seat at the table when it comes to the leaders and issues who shape the rest of our lives?
Corporations already know how to advertise—it’s what they DO! Why stand in their way? I’m sure they’re going to be able to create some extremely compelling political advertisements! It will be a welcome change from the drab, amateurish quality of most commercials we see now a days that are financed by wussy little candidate support groups. How can we lose by letting Philip Morris inject some mystique into a politician’s ad, or allowing a little of GE’s maudlin sensitivity tug at our heartstrings as it convinces us that clean coal is the future?
Finally, I don’t see how we can say no to the desire of corporations to help us out in the political arena. It isn’t as though we’ve been doing a great job choosing leaders ourselves lately! Why not give our corporate friends the chance to get in there and help us make decisions about our leadership? ExxonMobil knows how much we like to drive– maybe they can remind us that we need to support a candidate who can make sure we continue to obtain as much oil as we can from wherever we can get it. Wal-Mart already knows how much we like cheaply made goods at rock-bottom prices; maybe they can help steer us toward a politician who is going to relax restrictions on child-labor laws to keep down the prices of imports. Now we’re talking! If we can help corporations, they’ll help us! Just like they’re doing now, only even more so.
I Heard Tell 
maximumfiction
This _is_ satirical, right?
Molly
Yes!
maximumfiction
Whew! I was a bit tired when I read it and, given the level at which the people who hold such views operate, I was momentarily confused. Kind of like the TV program The Office–funny, but soberingly close to the real thing.