Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Category Archives: HAIKU

Jillian and I took on abstinence vs. unwanted babies in this week’s Perpetual Post.  Read her take on abstinence here.

MOLLY SCHOEMANN:

Surprise! Accidental pregnancies are the new planned pregnancies! And pregnant is the new successful.

Everybody loves surprises—and what could be more exciting than the surprise of life? Everybody loves life! And everybody LOVES babies. Need proof? Just look around you! Everyone’s got a cute little baby these days. What are you waiting for? A career?!

Nothing helps you find your place in the world quite like a baby. Not sure where you’re going in life? Feeling aimless, worried about the future, and unsure of what you really have to offer anyone? Drift around long enough in dead-end social circles and pursue enough unfulfilling, destructive relationships, and chances are, sooner or later you will either knock someone up, or get knocked up yourself—and, voila! Suddenly, you’re a parent! Instant purpose! Nobody can doubt that you’re important once you’ve had a baby. After all, babies are the future.

And really, what could be more of a blessing than a surprising new baby? Babies bring joy and sunshine into the lives of everyone around them. A baby can be a lot of work, but it can also bring families together, to say things like, “Who is going to take care of this baby?”, and “I guess you better drop out of school.” And who likes school anyway? Nobody cool! That’s right—have a baby, and you can quit school and sleep late every day!

Have trouble making friends or connecting with others? Parents don’t understand you? You better believe your new baby will!

Insecure about your relationship? Concerned that your boyfriend or girlfriend might be thinking of leaving you? Throw a baby in the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for lasting love. Nothing brings two dissimilar people closer or strengthens a tenuous relationship like a sudden influx of serious financial and emotional responsibilities. If your boy or girlfriend comes from a religious background, so much the better! To their families, an unexpected baby is God’s way of saying, “Get married right away.”

Think about it. Babies go with every outfit. And you can dress them up to look like a miniature version of yourself, just like the miniature version of you that they are sure to become when they grow up! Pierce baby’s ears, style baby’s hair, spend the money you earn at your part-time job to dress baby in the latest wee fashions. Clubs won’t let you in without a fake ID? Just show them your baby, and they’ll assume you must be old enough to drink! After all, you have a baby, don’t you?

You must have done something right, to end up with a baby.


Up at 6am

At work by 7:15

Who did I piss off?

 

Twelve hour workdays

I’m getting too old for this

Also too lazy

 

Broccoli and rum

Don’t tell me that they don’t make

A balanced dinner

 

Damn it workplaces

Stop giving me free candy

My butt is a shelf

 

Although I complain

Life is pretty good right now

Just need to add sleep


Blonde girl on the bench
your bright pink heels are awesome
and I covet them

Graffiti on T
dated with tomorrow’s date
Boston thugs are dumb


It is five degrees
How is this a world in which
I’m not home in bed?

Young private school girl
Wind-chill makes it five below
Wear some freaking pants


‘Fun-size’ candy bars
Thanks to you I have become
A much less fun size


I)
Pizza combos are
You for real or are you just
My sweet fantasy?
II)
Nacho combos are
Not the same as pizza ones
Not the same at all
III)
Pizza? or Nacho?
The choice is not hard unless
You are dead inside
IV)
Pretzels enfold cheese
Flavors live in harmony
In the Pizza name

Four-thirty a.m.
Some New Hampshire interstate
GPS goes dead

Cell phone GPS
Your new destination is
My Garbage Can Street



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