Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Insanity

I’m famous!  The Wikipedia mentions me in this entry about the HMS Edinburgh:

“The cruiser’s second salvo straddled the Schoemann and disabled her severely enough that her crew scuttled her.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Next stop, Hollywood!


[Subtitle: Molly Might Need to be on Clozapine]

Sharp Cheddar: Is fun to have around but sometimes hits a little too close to the mark with her jokes. Zesty.

Mild Cheddar: Bland, but dependable. She’s who you’d call if you wanted someone to see 27 Dresses with; if you actually want to see 27 Dresses. I do not.

Monterey Jack: Is that guy you are always trying to set friends up with, but it never pans out. He’s too nice or something. Or he sweats a lot, and tells meandering stories. Either or. Somehow off.

Swiss: This guy’s got a nutty flair, and an exotic European edge. But there’s something you don’t trust. Sometimes you feel like you can see right through him.

Things They Should Have, Addendum:

Bullion Sport! For when you crave that meaty taste and need that extra boost of sodium. Available in Chicken and Beef flavors.

Maybe my list of Things They Should Have ought to become a list of ‘Things That Should Have a Sport! Version”.

Products I think they should make:

SportPeeps: For when you need that extra burst of energy and fat. With sugar sweatbands around their little peepy heads.

Caffienated Scotch: Because regular scotch makes you sleepy in the mornings, and regular coffee makes you sober.

That about covers it for now.

Speaking of past jobs, I made this picture back when my job was writing descriptions of cables for sale on a website. By which I mean, my job was “tweaking cable images in photoshop and making them look like faces that said weird things, in order to keep myself from jumping down an elevator shaft”.

At least I have had one job in which I was living up to my full potential.

I rediscovered this from my days as a Customer Service Rep for an internet company.

“One quote
Two quotes
Three quotes
Four quotes

I do not like making more quotes.

Can you fax it to my mom?
Do you people ship to Guam?
Would you, could you, ship it faster?
Would you, could you, add the casters?

I do not like to ship three day.

I cannot do it anyway.

One box
Two box
Sliced box
Diced box

You refused this damaged-twice box?

Did your brand new table splinter?
Did you order this last winter?
Did you tell us ‘pack it well’?
It’s got a snowball’s chance in Hell.”

Today at a restaurant in Kennebunk, Maine, a waiter told my father he looks like Matt Damon in a dirty glass.

Last night I had Cream of Wheat (remember Cream of Wheat?!? I did, when I got to the grocery store and shopped while starving), and 1/4 of a pomegranate for dinner.

Mmmmm, weird.

Oh, and a beer. So that I would also have something from the Hop food group. What? It’s a food group, if I remember correctly from that science class I took in college…or was that a party I went to in college? Either way.

Then Brian and I made the dog help put the laundry away. I would fold a towel, and put it on his back, and he would walk across the room to Brian, who would take the towel, put it away, pat Charlie and send him back to me.

I think I am almost ready to be a parent, guys. This is so exciting.

Dear Ms. Schoemann,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your patronage of Cooking Monthly, America’s leading resource for culinary information and advice. We truly appreciate your interest in our publication, and your obvious devotion to our goal of keeping the kitchen fun and lively.

As you well know, each issue of Cooking Monthly includes a feature known as “Kitchen Quick Tips”—ideas and suggestions for how to improve cooking methods and procedures, which are selected from reader submissions. The editing staff here at Cooking Monthly carefully reviews and considers each submission. That said, we would like to respectfully request that you cease sending us your “Quick Tips”. We appreciate your enthusiasm in this pursuit, but as of this month, none of your seventeen submissions have been remotely viable. A few have the potential to be deadly.

Your observation that ‘microwaving silverware and cutlery helps give your guests a warm and cozy impression during a cold winter meal’ made us wonder how you are still alive. We were surprised that you continued to send us tips after that.

Moreover, our staff can in no way endorse your suggestion to ‘pour breakfast cereal into a thermos and add the milk the night before. When you grab it in the morning, give it several firm shakes, and you’ve got a delicious breakfast beverage.’ Frankly, that idea made one of our editors ill.

While your discovery that a pint of Jack Daniels can be hidden in an oven mitt was certainly inventive, we failed to see how it was a useful cooking tip.

Furthermore, I would like to add that if any members of the Cooking Monthly staff ever attended a dinner party at which the table centerpiece was a roll of paper towels stood on end, wearing a baseball cap, we would leave immediately.

Granted, your ideas and suggestions did cause a stir among our writing staff, and did not go completely unappreciated, in a way. However, enough is enough. Please keep future tips to yourself—or, better yet, submit them to your local precinct. They would be well advised to keep an eye you.


Harold Blige, Senior Editor
Cooking Monthly



-roll of duct tape
-spare pair of socks
-unopened thing of Mrs. T’s Margarita Salt

What’s inexplicably (or explicably, if you just let me explic, please, I can explic!) in your desk drawer?

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