Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Insanity

Last night I had Cream of Wheat (remember Cream of Wheat?!? I did, when I got to the grocery store and shopped while starving), and 1/4 of a pomegranate for dinner.

Mmmmm, weird.

Oh, and a beer. So that I would also have something from the Hop food group. What? It’s a food group, if I remember correctly from that science class I took in college…or was that a party I went to in college? Either way.

Then Brian and I made the dog help put the laundry away. I would fold a towel, and put it on his back, and he would walk across the room to Brian, who would take the towel, put it away, pat Charlie and send him back to me.

I think I am almost ready to be a parent, guys. This is so exciting.


Dear Ms. Schoemann,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your patronage of Cooking Monthly, America’s leading resource for culinary information and advice. We truly appreciate your interest in our publication, and your obvious devotion to our goal of keeping the kitchen fun and lively.

As you well know, each issue of Cooking Monthly includes a feature known as “Kitchen Quick Tips”—ideas and suggestions for how to improve cooking methods and procedures, which are selected from reader submissions. The editing staff here at Cooking Monthly carefully reviews and considers each submission. That said, we would like to respectfully request that you cease sending us your “Quick Tips”. We appreciate your enthusiasm in this pursuit, but as of this month, none of your seventeen submissions have been remotely viable. A few have the potential to be deadly.

Your observation that ‘microwaving silverware and cutlery helps give your guests a warm and cozy impression during a cold winter meal’ made us wonder how you are still alive. We were surprised that you continued to send us tips after that.

Moreover, our staff can in no way endorse your suggestion to ‘pour breakfast cereal into a thermos and add the milk the night before. When you grab it in the morning, give it several firm shakes, and you’ve got a delicious breakfast beverage.’ Frankly, that idea made one of our editors ill.

While your discovery that a pint of Jack Daniels can be hidden in an oven mitt was certainly inventive, we failed to see how it was a useful cooking tip.

Furthermore, I would like to add that if any members of the Cooking Monthly staff ever attended a dinner party at which the table centerpiece was a roll of paper towels stood on end, wearing a baseball cap, we would leave immediately.

Granted, your ideas and suggestions did cause a stir among our writing staff, and did not go completely unappreciated, in a way. However, enough is enough. Please keep future tips to yourself—or, better yet, submit them to your local precinct. They would be well advised to keep an eye you.


Harold Blige, Senior Editor
Cooking Monthly



-roll of duct tape
-spare pair of socks
-unopened thing of Mrs. T’s Margarita Salt

What’s inexplicably (or explicably, if you just let me explic, please, I can explic!) in your desk drawer?

Molly: godzilla vs. grandma godzilla!
Dave: grandma godzilla vs. the crushing weight of impending mortality!
Molly: godzilla vs. his inner critic!
Dave: godzilla vs. monsters! and his own shame!
Molly: godzilla is never going to be good enough!
Dave: godzilla should just give up and go back to bed!
Molly: Why isn’t godzilla doing something more with his life?!
Dave: when will godzilla find love?

Later that day…

Molly: It’s the new black!
Molly: It’s the new Thursday!
Molly: It’s the new bowling!
Molly: It’s like wearing white shoes after labor day, and then punching pigs in the face and then eating their bacon!
Molly: I should perhaps limit my caffeine intake after 3pm.

My entire department had an 8 hour training session on Wednesday. I brought my little mini-legal pad, prepared to take notes. I mostly doodled. At the end of the day I was so excited to escape training, that I left my legal pad on my chair.Today I found it in my inbox, with a note from the VP of Production that said, “Molly? Could this be yours?”Written on the pad– in various types of script, supplemented by a picture of a weird little pig with a rainbow behind its head, a kilroy-ish face, and various other doodly lines:


Change used to be bad


Katherine Goldenrod

Meep Fried

weeeet Powderhouse Powder House

Live Cross Cross training ”

Out of all the windows into my mind, this is probably the most innocuous and least bizarre one I could have left on my chair for a VP to find. Whew. Just, whew.

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