Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Politics

President Bush held a brief press conference at the White House this afternoon to introduce what he called “a bold new proposal” that he believes “will greatly simplify and improve the lives of the American people.”

The President prefaced his announcement with a call for understanding.

“We are living in troubled times,” he began.  “I have found myself looking to the past to find the strength and inspiration to lead this great country.  The modern world has much to learn from the wisdom of olden times.  There are many great men of history, in many nations, whose ideas and values remain relevant and useful. ”

The President cleared his throat.  “One of these men in particular, an eighteenth-century novelist, wrote an essay whose clear and brilliant message resonates just as strongly today as it did when it was first published in 1729.  To his credit, this obscure Irish author has helped lay the framework for what my administration believes is a groundbreaking, yet simple and effective solution to one of the leading evils facing the American people today:  the problem of hunger.”

“Listen to me,” President Bush continued.  “Due to the failure of our schools to properly teach abstinence, teenage pregnancy rates are soaring, with no end in sight.  The threat of overpopulation in this country grows more imminent every day.

“America’s dependence on foreign oil and labor has left us scrambling to meet our basic needs for food and shelter.  It’s time we utilized an abundant resource that can be found right here, in most of our very own homes.”

“Children are wonderful,” the President declared.   “But we have more than enough of them right now.  Let us acknowledge that they are also wholesome and nutritious.  Difficult times call for difficult measures, and I think the American people understand what I’m talking about.”

The President went on to describe the tax breaks that would be granted to couples who chose to view their offspring as what he called ‘deliciously non-renewable resources’.

“It is true that these progressive, ‘energy-efficient’ families will be missing out on the economic incentives that are available through our current program, which rewards parents with a $5,000.00 tax credit for each child they raise,” Bush admitted.  “However, once the incentives of our new program are in place, parents will be rewarded with a hefty tax cut for making the kinds of practical and intelligent choices that are crucial for survival in the difficult and dog-eat-dog — or man-eat-baby– world of today.”

“Not only that,” he added, “but by offering the American people this choice, I am not only encouraging family togetherness, but also promoting an increase in home-cooked meals.”

“Think about it, my fellow citizens,” he concluded.  “I believe that this is going to be a turning point in this history of our country.  By looking to the past for inspiration, we are moving forward into a new era of succulence.”

I know I’ve got everyone guessing about my political leanings, so I’ve decided I won’t keep you in the dark any longer.

I am so in the tank for Obama.

There, I said it.  Now you won’t have to wonder anymore if I’m making fun of Sarah Palin because deep down I really love the way she does her hair.

I actually hate her dumb hair, almost as much as I hate her anti-abortion and abstinance-only-education stances and the sly, folksy way she talks in circles without actually saying anything.  I think she’s a dangerous, calculating, power-hungry politician who will be a total disaster if put in office.  And she’s bad at naming kids.

I like Obama.  I like his approach to healthcare that means that more people won’t be turned away from being eligible for health insurance when they need it most (i.e. when they are ill). 

I like the fact that he is educated and intelligent.  He is articulate, and he doesn’t talk down to the public.  He discusses ideas and doesn’t just repeat mindless, meaningless rhetoric.

I like the way he makes me feel all hopey inside.  I haven’t felt this inspired by a politician in a long time.

If you must vote for John McCain (and…shudder…Sarah Palin), maybe because you think we should start drilling offshore for oil that won’t be accessible for 20 years, or because you want the free market to do for health insurance what it did for the economy, or because you want a president who is so forward-thinking that he doesn’t know how to use e-mail, then that’s fine. 

You should still vote.  It’s your right, and your responsibility, and whomever you are voting for, by all means vote. 

But I recommend voting for Obama/Biden.  I think you’ll be glad you did.

So before moving to North Carolina, I tried to set up some sort of job working for Obama’s campaign, but one of the places I contacted would only take me on board if I relocated to New Hampshire to work on the campaign there.  Damn it, I was just IN the northeast!  I wanted to work for change in North Carolina!

Well, who’s a swing state now?  Apparently it’s neck-in-neck in NC– a few scant weeks after I moved here.  I’m sure this is all because of me.

You’re welcome, America.

I wasn’t going to get up early this morning.  I figured I’d sleep in, since it was the weekend.  Plus I’d gotten to bed late the night before.  Ahem. 

What got me out of bed in an instant was the realization that I could watch the Sunday morning news shows.

This is becoming a sickness.  I can’t keep doing this to myself!  I am obsessed with news coverage of the presidential race.  I compulsively scan the internet for more damning information about Sarah Palin.  (Granted, the hits DO keep on coming.  Good job allowing Wasilla to charge rape victims for forensic kits when you were mayor, Palin!  Apparently you actually said “Yes please wait maybe not thanks but no thanks for the bridge to nowhere.”) 

Still.  I need to cut back before I lose my mind.  The whole thing is like a rash that I can’t leave alone.  If I’d only stop scratching it, it would heal a little.  But I can’t!  It’s so itchy and hurty! 

And looking at the polls right now makes me break out in hives.  I need to hibernate until Nov. 2nd.  With one day of wakefulness during which I vote.  Who’s with me?

Have you heard the one about the McCain/Palin ticket?

Q: What’s the difference between a Vice Presidential Candidate and a Hockey Mom?

A: ::: Scream of despair:::

While I respect Governor Palin’s decision to give birth to a disabled child, I don’t think she should have let him write her Vice Presidential acceptance speech.

            I have been traveling around for the last few weeks—spending a few days in New York City, a few in Boston, and now a few more on Cape Cod.  I had originally been hoping to take more of an adventurous sightseeing trip to distant lands, but I gradually became aware that such trips cost money.  Thus my plans gradually shifted until they had transformed into a tour of my old northeast haunts—staying with friends and family—which afforded me free housing, free entertainment, and lots of free time while everyone else was off working.  This trip has been an exciting journey of self-discovery, sleeping late, and rampant boozing and seafood.  Yesss.


            It has also politically activated me.  I had almost managed to forget my tendency to become fiercely invested in politics for the three months or so leading up to every presidential election, like the shameless bandwagon boarder I am.  For most of the time, my interest in politics lies dormant, like a robot in sleep mode.  But in late August of every election year, catching five minutes of ‘Meet the Press’ one morning triggers my “POLITICALLY CONCERNED” mode and I leap frantically into action; whirling around uselessly and emitting shrill beeps—like C3PO, but with a more tenuous grasp of the issues.


            Because of the infrequency of this brief mode, it is not my most well-informed and shining mode.  All I want to do is talk about the upcoming presidential election—and I am eager to share with everyone the strong opinions I have on the candidates and issues after careful perusal of half an issue of Newsweek I read in the doctor’s office. 


“How old do you have to be to vote again?”  I will splutter, after giving a heated speech about how I think Joe Biden’s wife is pretty.  “What the hell kind of a name is ‘Trig’?  If I am not living in the state I grew up in, can I still vote there?  And where is the Electoral College?”  I spend my evenings watching CNN with fervent concentration, even though for all I understand, I may as well be watching Telemundo.  At least Telemundo has better outfits, and more believable pregnancies. 


“If the Democrats win this election, do I have to give back my $600 check?  Because they can forget it.  I already spent it.”  It’s a wonder that I am not smacked upside the head, or at least sequestered in a closet until Nov. 4th—with an absentee ballot shoved under the door for me in October. 

Last year I planned and hosted an event during the presidential debate that was called “Drink Beer and Eat Cupcakes and Watch the Presidential Debate”.  I don’t really recall much about this issues that were discussed, but the cupcakes were delicious.  Actually, I do remember noticing that during the course of the debate, Kerry drank his water out of a fancy stemmed goblet, while Bush used a good-old-boys type lowball glass.  I realized at that moment the election was over.  Possibly I am a little more politically prescient than I thought.


It’s so wonderful and momentous to be able to cast my vote for a woman in the presidential election!  I was all set to vote for Hillary earlier on in the race, and then that chance was taken away from me.  As a woman, I wasn’t sure what to do.  I really wanted to vote for someone who shares my gender—men have always gotten to do that!  I thought it was finally my turn!

Now that John McCain has chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate, I know who I am going to support.  A woman, like me!  And she’s a former beauty queen!  I’m glad Sarah knows that looking beautiful is another important way for a woman to achieve recognition.  She had such a lovely up-do at their press conference— no wonder John McCain could hardly meet her eyes!  He was probably nervous being around such a pretty lady.  Plus, I don’t think they’ve spent very much time together yet, so I can understand him feeling a bit shy.  I’m sure she’ll do what she can to make him feel comfortable with her.

Since she’s a former “hockey mom”, I am glad I can rely on Ms. Palin to be sensitive to the challenges faced by hundreds of hockey moms every day.  Rising uniform prices have burdened families who have children who play hockey.  It’s time we tackle the issues that are truly important to the American people.  It makes me feel good knowing that Sarah Palin is sure to address my growing concerns—with the economy, health care, and rising unemployment—since we are both women.

Lastly, I am thrilled that the future vice president knows how to balance having a family with having a career.  Not just any woman would answer an unexpected call to join the race for the presidency four months after giving birth.  Never mind the disabled, premature new baby Sarah—America needs you more!  Thanks for reminding me again of the importance of family values.

(With Super Tuesday fast approaching, I thought I would reprint my only politically-tinged column to date, which was written just before the last presidential election, in response to the presidential debate.)

Have a cupcake for breakfast, and the day will be downhill from there. I should have listened to that age-old saying. Or rather, people should have started saying that ages ago, so that it would have been around today, to warn me. But then again, it would have taken more than a stupid saying to keep me away from that cupcake this morning. Perhaps a stupid saying hanging on an electric fence around the cupcake. But then I would have been killed. In any event, that morning cupcake was by far the best thing about my day. And it was over by 8 a.m.

The cupcakes were left over from the night before, when they were whipped up for an event I called “Have Beer and Cupcakes and Watch the Presidential Debate”. Contrary to popular belief, beer and cupcakes do not help one focus on the issues. They do, however, make one dwell obsessively on the fact that President Bush was drinking from a much more masculine water glass than Senator Kerry. It was a short, sturdy, good-old-boy tumbler. (Although it was rather reminiscent of the kind of glass you might drink whiskey from, which is perhaps not the image he wanted to project).

Kerry’s glass, on the other hand, was more akin to a goblet. It was tall and delicate. It had a stem, for God’s sake. Who drinks from a glass with a stem when they’re trying to convince millions of viewers how they’re going to get tough on terrorism? The Democratic nominee may have carried the debate, but he failed the water-glass showdown, which makes me uneasy.

I could already see the spin: Two twenty-something, microphone-bearing Fox reporters with jovial smiles and gimlet eyes. “Did you get a look at that stemware Kerry was holding? What does he think this is, a wine-tasting? How very French of him, am I right Jean? That’s some kind of French thing he’s got going on there. With that wine glass.”

“It’s very girly, Craig. You’re right. I don’t know how Kerry expects to fend off terrorist attackers with that thing, unless it’s by distracting them with a plate of brie and crackers.”
Although I suppose the knife could cut both ways, with liberal news media offering the President their congratulations on his mastery of drinking out of a breakable glass that lacked a tight lid, handles on both sides, and a silly straw.

It never would have occurred to me to place any importance on the style of drinking-glass a candidate uses during a debate, but in a race as heated and close as this one appears to be, I suppose the two opponents need to press every possible advantage. President Bush might have done well to have a Bald Eagle perched on his shoulder, a water-cup grasped in one of its taloned claws. Or, even better, how about bringing Saddam Hussein out in chains, one hand freed to hold a velvet pillow bearing his conqueror’s drink? More subtle, perhaps, but still striking, would have been for the president to sip water from Saddam’s hollowed-out skull.

John Kerry, on the other hand, might have taken the opportunity to stir his drink with a purple heart.

After this debate, I fear for the future, friends. I really do.

%d bloggers like this: