Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Work

The following is an e-mail I wrote while working in an office in Boston which enjoyed a very lively patter of non-work-related email threads that often included the entire office.  While I don’t mind this in theory, I soon realized that one can only read so many threads about how the Patriots and/or Red Sox Rule and/or Suck before one grows resentful.  Anyway I don’t think this email helped much, but apparently it still got sent out occasionally at that company, even after I’d moved on.

Dear Everyone,

I would like to suggest some guidelines for consideration before you hit ‘send’ on an e-mail to your entire office.

1)  Has someone already stated this?  Or is it very likely that there are ten other people who have just hit send and stated the same thing at this very moment?  Don’t be like them.  Be mysterious.  Play hard to get.  It’ll make us want you more.

2)  Does your e-mail contain more than five words?  If you are going to fill the e-mail boxes of a hundred people with a personal statement, does that statement really need to be sent out if it’s simply the words “I’m in”, or “ha ha good one”?  Is this statement funny enough that you’d shout it out in a crowded room full of people who are trying to work?  If not, hold your fire.

3)  Is this an in-joke, and if so, will this in-joke be understood and appreciated by more than five other people?  If not, why not just e-mail those five people?  Then you can all share a good laugh, and it won’t be over the sound of me grinding my teeth because my computer has essentially become a paperweight due to an overloaded server.

4)  Did the person in the original e-mail tell you NOT to reply to Everyone, but just to Them?  Then, yeah.  Maybe do that.

5)  Is this a question that can be answered verbally by someone in your immediate vicinity?  Or maybe with a quick Google Search?  Questions like, “Where can I catch the Red Line from here?” or “is Beer Pong that game with beer and ping-pong balls?  I like that game.”  Maybe go ahead and ask the people around you first, before you fling yourself on the mercy of the entire office.

Thank you for your time.  I hope this has been helpful, or at least passive-aggressive.  I’m not trying to stifle creativity or spontaneity here.  By all means, keep the brilliant bon mots coming.  I’m just saying I’d appreciate a little more selectivity.  For the love of pete, don’t ask the entire office what time the game starts.


PS- a really funny thing to do, would be to reply to everyone in the office on this e-mail, and say something like, “I’m in.”  Someone do that, it’ll totally be funny.

Up at 6am

At work by 7:15

Who did I piss off?


Twelve hour workdays

I’m getting too old for this

Also too lazy


Broccoli and rum

Don’t tell me that they don’t make

A balanced dinner


Damn it workplaces

Stop giving me free candy

My butt is a shelf


Although I complain

Life is pretty good right now

Just need to add sleep

Last night, returning from another 13 hour work day, I tried to open my front door with the little button on my keychain that unlocks my car.

Yeah.  Didn’t work.

I need a Halloween costume!  It needs to be wittily hilarious.  Or poignantly sexy.  Or classically gauche.  Or all or none of the above.

Apparently everyone at my new office dresses up for Halloween.  And there’s a chili cookoff!  Awesome, right?  Except now the pressure is on.  It’s my time to shine!  And I don’t think I can go as Sarah Palin as I’d planned, because it might be a little more provocative than I am really ready to deal with after less than a month on the job.

A sexy nurse?   An unconventionally attractive nurse, but there’s just something about her?  A tank?  A bunch of grapes?  I’m at a loss.  And I have ten days.

My posting might be a little disconnected or crazy-like over the next couple of weeks.  I am starting a new job, and, because life is hilarious like that, will be working a different, temporary job in the evenings at the same time for the first two weeks of new job.  Excitinggg!  Wish me luck.

Whoah-whoah, temping for a living.  Whoah-whoah, taking what they’re giving….I’m takin’ what they’re givin’ ’cause I’m tempin’ for a livinggg

Oooh, I just filed with my arms til night…must have been something you said.  Should have walked awayyyy

My mouse, is a very very very bad mouse…with two cracks in the cord, ty-ping is also hard.

How difficult can it be to find a decent looking pantsuit (or just a suit-jacket!) that doesn’t make me feel like I raided my mom’s closet?

I need to dress for a job interview, not a tea party with my favorite stuffed animals.

Is it just me, or did Target used to sell clothes that you could wear to work post-college?  When did it become Boring Wet Seal?  If you’re not on the debate team or going to the library  to study for finals  and hoping to run into that cute boy from history class, it’s USELESS.

Sigh.  This is what happens to me when I start temping again.   It isn’t pretty, folks.

Not to mention the fact that the dog is used to having a stay at home mom, and today I left him alone for 10 hours.  Why don’t we have a cat?  From my understanding, you come home to a cat and if you’re lucky it nods in your direction.  The dog wraps himself around my legs  while quivering in paroxysms of fear and joy.

“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!  Whatever I did, I’m sorry!  I’m SO SORRY!  AAAAUUUUGH PANT PANT PANT DROOL.”  I can’t even bring myself to meet the terrible shell-shocked look that is still in his eyes.

Eight hours of data entry and no internet make Molly something-something.

Oh, right.  Drink wine!

Man, I love coming home to a glass of wine at the end of a long day.  Who’s with me?  What’s your favorite way to unwind?

Hi! I’ve been away! It’s been awhile! I am sorry.

Holy Bat Museum!

I spent the last week in Louisville, KY for a conference. I have to admit that I LOVE traveling for work. At least, the traveling I have done for this job, which is the extent of my traveling-for-work experience. The only conference I go to lasts almost a week long, and the last two years, it’s been in a neat city that I never would have visited otherwise. Last year it was Minneapolis, and this year it was Louisville. Last year I ended up having dinner with a friend of the family who convinced me to start this blog, and thus was born I Heard Tell. I also toured the Walker Art Center’s Sculpture garden, home of Spoonbridge and Cherry:

Spoony spoon spoon

And visited the Mall of America. There were a total of FOUR “Lids” stores in the Mall of America. That’s right, four of the same chain of baseball hat stores in one mall. It boggled the mind. In response, I bought a Mall of America shotglass.

Conference also means a week of high-class hotel living. This year my room had two beds in it! On the first night I started out in one bed, and then hopped into the other in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I awoke in the morning confused, but somehow smug. This room also had two sinks, but no closet or fridge.

Which leads to the downside. Hotel living is not perfect. I don’t love eating out for every meal, because I miss planning my own meals, cooking, and having a refrigerator. There is something bizarrely rustic about buying a bottle of cranberry juice and keeping it cold by storing it on a frigid air conditioning vent. And by rustic, I probably mean wasteful. You’re kind of roughing it, but not really, but you’re still not really comfortable.

You do get to expense your meals, which is exciting, although it still makes me feel guilty, because I work for a small nonprofit. Although last week one of my dinners consisted of cookies and pretzels, so I don’t think the lifestyle to which I am accustomed was really a serious drain on my company’s bank account.

During the one-week trip I suffered a fever and sinus infection. (Another thing I love about hotels is that you can pick up the phone in the dead of night and someone on the other end will tell you where you can buy Tylenol at 2am. ) I also endured a harrowing late-night illness after dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack (perhaps I should have known that I was tempting fate by ordering the crab-stuffed shrimp; in any event I’m glad I didn’t also buy a t-shirt from there because I now have enough memories from Joe’s Crab Shack).

Despite all this, I had a fun time in Louisville. It seems like a city that’s working hard to attract tourism. There were all sorts of cool museums that my convention-booth hours did not permit me to visit– although I did get a chance to peer into the windows of the bat factory at the Louisville Slugger Museum. I think I gained about as much insight and entertainment by doing that as I would have by actually going on the tour, because they’re bats.

There is a certain children’s book author that my company sells a lot of books by who comes out with a new 10 page children’s board book every 48 hours or so. They’re silly, and they rhyme, and they sell like HOT CAKES. I would like to be at that point in my career.

“Hey while I was waiting at the checkout line I wrote a rhyming book about toes. Now I have a billion more dollars! Sweet.”


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