Damn you, misleading hippie gardening websites! Everything you have told me is the opposite of what is going on in my Guest Room Garden! (You too can make a Guest Room Garden! Just follow these three easy steps:

1) Take a rarely-used bedroom in your two-bedroom apartment

2) Fill the window with plants that will die if left outdoors in the winter cold

3) Lack friends who might ever possibly stay in that guest room. Watch as the foliage gradually overpowers the room and makes it feel like a creepy-ass jungle.

See-it’s easy!)

“Planting mint will keep flies away from your house and garden,” says one damn hippie gardening website. Thanks for the tip-but actually, it’s my mint plants that are crawling with little fruity-looking flies. What now, website? Any other helpful advice for me? I just spent half an hour sitting in front of my mint plant killing flies as I spotted them like some sort of crazy gardening sniper. There has to be a better way.

“An organic method of getting rid of aphids? Plant basil,” advises another damn hippie gardening website. Fine and dandy, except it’s my basil that’s crawling with aphids. Should I plant other basil next to it, and maybe THAT basil will be ok to eat? Is that really the best thing I can do here?

Also, aphids are gross. They look like little green sesame seeds. They are ruining bagels for me. And they don’t ever move! Any bug that just sits there like a Zen master and takes it as you brush it off your plant is playing mind games that are too sophisticated for me to be able to handle at this point in time. Passive resistance is only ok when I’m the one employing it.

Several websites have recommended introducing Ladybugs into my garden to eat the aphids, but I’m not sure I want to interfere with my guest room’s delicate ecosystem. I don’t think you could call what I’ve been doing today ‘gardening’, since I spent most of my time sitting on the edge of a bed. Still, I managed to work myself up into something of a frenzy this afternoon trying to deal with the ailments my various plants have come down with. What is not that bothersome when your plant is on a porch, becomes more of a problem once it’s indoors.