Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Weddings

Akie and I discussed weddings over at the Perpetual Post. Find his side Here!

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I know it’s just the polite, making-conversation thing that people say to you when they learn that you got engaged, but I’m a little tired of having people ask if I’ve set a date for my wedding or not.
Have I set a date? No. Am I excited to lawfully wed my sweetie so that he can be on my insurance plan and we can visit each other in the hospital and get tax breaks and we will both have cool wedding bands and can continue to plan our lives together?

Hell yes. Am I excited about my wedding? Hell no.

I’m just not a ‘wedding’ kind of girl. I don’t watch any of the eight thousand television shows about weddings and bridezillas. I don’t read bridal magazines. I have never imagined what my perfect wedding day might be like. I just really don’t give a flying boutonniere.

I like going to other people’s weddings because I like parties and open bars and cake and dressing up, and it’s nice to see my friends pledge their eternal love to each other and then to drink a lot and do the Macarena. But I also tend to find weddings boring and formulaic and overblown and I hate wearing pantyhose and making idle chitchat with people I barely know.
But now I have reached the point in my life where I am ready to get married and move on to the next stage of life as a married person, which is great! The only thing stopping me is the damn wedding. It’s like marriage is on the other side of an iron gate covered in taffeta and frills and icing and guarded by a photographer and a caterer and an overpriced dress and flanked by 300 of my closest friends and loved ones, and it costs ten grand to pass through.


A few weeks into our engagement I got the brilliant idea that if I dropped enough hints, maybe my closest friends would band together and throw me a Surprise Wedding. How great would that be? One day I’d come home and – Surprise! There’s Brian, in a tux! And all our family & friends! And a minister! And flowers, and snacks, and booze, and music, and everyone looks nice. Surprise! It’s your wedding! And you didn’t have to plan anything! My friends, who are wonderful at planning surprise parties, are somehow not enthused at this idea. I’m pretty sure that I’ve dropped the heaviest hints possible, (“Man, I hate the idea of wedding planning. I wish SOMEONE would just throw me a surprise wedding. Oh well.”) but to no avail.

So I could go the Vegas Route. I could go the City Hall Route. I could go the Backyard Barbecue Route. None of those routes really appeal to me either though. It’s a special occasion and a special day, and I’d like it to be special. Just not “hundreds of dollars on table place settings that will be thrown away at the end of the night” special. Not “you can’t invite Great-Uncle Phil or Great-Aunt Agatha will disown our side of the family and by the way did you invite the guy at Dunkin-Donuts who always gets your coffee right?” special.

There has to be a middle ground. Something that’s not chintzy OR over elaborate. Something that’s a nod to tradition and yet still feels representative of our relationship.

Or I guess we could always have a Zombie-Themed Wedding like Brian wants, and call it a day.

Last night Brian and I went to our third wedding of the summer. Interestingly enough, all three weddings were for couples that had been together for around seven years. I think that seems like a good length of time to be together before you tie the knot. My parents were together for at least 5 years before they got married, thirty years ago. I’d much rather it be something where everyone says, “Oh, you’re finally getting married, good.”

Anyway! I always have fun at weddings, because I like to DANCE. That’s right, I am one of those wedding guests. I will do the bump with your grandma, I will spin your 5 year old niece around, I will slow dance with your weird uncle (probably only once though). I will take my shoes off if they hurt and keep dancing. I will do the electric slide, the Twist; I will YMCA.

And that’s the great thing about weddings, is that they are perhaps one of the few times when you are encouraged, nay REQUIRED to get out on the dance floor and shake it like no one’s watching. Nobody wants to throw a wedding where no one dances. I am just doing my part. My gift might not be pricy, but my funky chicken will be priceless.

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