In honor of my upcoming Bard reunion, here’s a post about high-school reunions, which are like college reunions, except 6000 times worse! Link to the full discourse, courtesy of The Perpetual Post, is here.
My ten-year high school reunion is around the corner, and my feeling is, either I’m showing up with Hugh Jackman on one arm, pushing a stroller full of nonuplets with the other, or I’m not showing up at all.
A high school reunion is no time for subtlety. Trust me, nobody wants to hear about your new springer spaniel puppy or your job in publishing. They want to see whether you got fat or divorced or developed a nervous tic. They want to hear if you’ve saddled yourself with a whiny loser or had any kids, and if those kids are fat. They want to casually pretend not to recognize you, to show that they’re too cool to bother remembering once knowing you. Ninth grade habits die hard. Maybe things will be different in another ten years when you all feel like failures, but right now it’s still too soon. Your only defense against this kind of behavior is a good offense, and you only get one chance to make a dynamite first impression—to achieve that sweet moment of redemption that somehow erases an entire freshman year spent pretending that you had no friends on purpose. You better make it good.
But wait, put the monocle down, sparky. Don’t bother going if you’re going to look like you’re trying. You cannot walk back into the gym reeking of desperation. If you’re busy whiting out the word ‘Assistant’ on your business cards or thinking up ways to make it sound like you moved back in with your parents because they missed you, stay the hell home, and I’ll tell you why: Above all, the name of the game is to keep those bitches guessing, and sometimes, putting in a non-appearance is the flashiest way to do that. In the back of their minds, those people I spent four years love-hating are bound to have a brief moment of wondering, “Huh, and where is Molly? I was looking forward to pretending not to recognize her.”
Is she sitting at home watching The Wedding Date and eating raw Pillsbury Crescent Rolls from the can? Or out partying topless on the French Riviera with Kate Moss? Maybe I’m home polishing my Nobel Peace Prize or at a cocktail party chatting with Tom Wolfe and wearing a 24 karat gold pantsuit. No one really knows. And nobody really wins, either, but I also don’t have to nod with a frozen smile on my face as my former classmate tells me she just got back from spending the year in Machu Picchu, “just hanging out”. I don’t have to congratulate girls who used to make fun of my thrift store clothes for passing the Bar exam, or having babies, or headlining the World Organization Committee on Agricultural Transportation Banking Summit. So actually, someone does win: Me. Take that, Class of 1999!
I’ve got a piece up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency again this morning! Yahoo!
Congratulations on receiving a very special floral arrangement from Flower Palace! Someone has given you this beautiful gift orchid because you are very special to them. Please follow the instructions below carefully to ensure that your new orchid blooms beautifully and enhances your life and home for years to come.
1) WATER: Orchids love humidity, so mist your orchid daily! Make sure the water is room-temperature and the spray is gentle. Always make eye contact with your orchid while misting it, so that it knows that this is a profound, meaningful act for you both—and that you’re not going to just turn around and mist another orchid right in its face the next day as though it meant nothing to you.
2) LIGHT: Orchids prefer indirect sunlight. Bright overhead lights tend to make them look older and kind of washed-out.
3) PLACEMENT: Once you find the perfect spot for your orchid, plan to keep it there permanently. Orchids do not like to be moved around. Moving to a different house is thus no longer an option. If this presents a problem, then maybe you should have thought about that before someone gifted you with a beautiful orchid. Also, what is with your need to flash your orchid all over town like it is some cheap, whorish carnation in the buttonhole of your rented suit? Just wondering.
4) ENVIRONMENT: Orchids thrive on routine. Once your orchid is familiar with its surroundings, the introduction of new family members into your household is not recommended. Even dinner guests are not a great idea. In the event that you are considering a permanent addition to your family, for the sake of your orchid, we ask that you reconsider. Do you really need that new dog, or baby? Is your orchid not enough? Your new orchid could be everything to you, if you would only let it.
5) COMMON COURTESY: If you’re going to be working late, would it kill you to call your orchid and let it know? Maybe it had made plans for just the two of you. You always do this.
6) SUPPORT STICK: Your orchid came with a special ‘support stick’ to help keep it growing straight and tall. Do not try to remove the support stick from your orchid. Ever. Just trust us here. Leave the support stick alone and no one will get hurt. In the event that you do not follow this advice, Flower Palace cannot be held responsible for physical, emotional or property damage.
7) APPRECIATION: Orchids love compliments. Be sure to constantly tell your orchid that it is the most beautiful orchid you have ever seen. Orchids never get tired of hearing this! Flower Palace cannot be held responsible for physical, emotional or property damage in the event that your orchid suspects you are lying.
8) RETURN POLICY: Flower Palace will not accept returns of gifted orchids under any circumstances. Your beautiful orchid is your problem now. For your safety we recommend that you do not ever let your orchid know you were even thinking of returning it.
Enjoy your beautiful orchid!
I’m up on the Free Wood Post again this week. It’s satirelicious!