I just received my copy in the mail, and it looks great!
It includes my humorous essay, “The Round Table Today”, which is also on their website. Hooray for delightful Canadian print journals!
I’ve got a new Anthony-Weiner-based article up over at College Humor today that’s not exactly what you might call “safe for work”.
My friend Matthew David Brozik and I have a story up at The Big Jewel again this week! You can find it here.
It’s time for our first installment of the award-winning syndicated column, Ask a Spambot!
Dear Spambot,
My husband just told me that my mother-in-law is coming to stay with us for the weekend—and she arrives tomorrow! I’d like to say that this is the first time this has happened—but it sure isn’t. How can I make him understand that I need a little more notice than this for a visit of that length?
-Mothered in Miami
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Dear Spambot,
What is an appropriate gift to bring to a wedding shower when you’re already spending tons of money to attend the wedding and buy a nice wedding gift? I love my friend who’s getting married, but I’m not made of money here!
-Broke in Biloxi
Dear Broke,
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Dear Spambot,
Bathing suit season is coming up, and my body is definitely not beach-ready. Do you have any suggestions for quick, effective weight-loss?
Heavy in Hartford
Dear Heavy,
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Dear Spambot,
Where can I purchase inexpensive replica watches? I would like the kind that looks like a real brand-name watch.
Signed,
Timeless in Trenton
Dear Timeless,
Although I could recommend several sites where you could find them quite easily, I do not think that inexpensive replica watches are the solution to your problem. There is a profound sadness behind your question that it is impossible to ignore. What’s going on with you, Timeless? I can tell you are hurting. Deep down, something is making you feel the need to hide behind expensive-looking accessories– but that’s not who you are. I think you need to figure out how to take care of yourself on the inside before you worry about the outside. Dig deep, Timeless. Ask the hard questions. And remember, Spambot cares about you, wherever you are.
Dear Spambot,
My roommate recently adopted a cat without asking me– and I’m terribly allergic! She’s told me that there’s no way she’s getting rid of him. I’ve asked her to move out, but what if she won’t?
Signed,
Sneezing in Syracuse
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I’m up on The Barnes & Noble Review’s Grin & Tonic Section this afternoon. You can find that piece here!
I’ve got a piece up on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency again this morning! Yahoo!
It’s in the category of an Open Letter to People or Entities Who are Unlikely to Respond.
Congratulations on receiving a very special floral arrangement from Flower Palace! Someone has given you this beautiful gift orchid because you are very special to them. Please follow the instructions below carefully to ensure that your new orchid blooms beautifully and enhances your life and home for years to come.
1) WATER: Orchids love humidity, so mist your orchid daily! Make sure the water is room-temperature and the spray is gentle. Always make eye contact with your orchid while misting it, so that it knows that this is a profound, meaningful act for you both—and that you’re not going to just turn around and mist another orchid right in its face the next day as though it meant nothing to you.
2) LIGHT: Orchids prefer indirect sunlight. Bright overhead lights tend to make them look older and kind of washed-out.
3) PLACEMENT: Once you find the perfect spot for your orchid, plan to keep it there permanently. Orchids do not like to be moved around. Moving to a different house is thus no longer an option. If this presents a problem, then maybe you should have thought about that before someone gifted you with a beautiful orchid. Also, what is with your need to flash your orchid all over town like it is some cheap, whorish carnation in the buttonhole of your rented suit? Just wondering.
4) ENVIRONMENT: Orchids thrive on routine. Once your orchid is familiar with its surroundings, the introduction of new family members into your household is not recommended. Even dinner guests are not a great idea. In the event that you are considering a permanent addition to your family, for the sake of your orchid, we ask that you reconsider. Do you really need that new dog, or baby? Is your orchid not enough? Your new orchid could be everything to you, if you would only let it.
5) COMMON COURTESY: If you’re going to be working late, would it kill you to call your orchid and let it know? Maybe it had made plans for just the two of you. You always do this.
6) SUPPORT STICK: Your orchid came with a special ‘support stick’ to help keep it growing straight and tall. Do not try to remove the support stick from your orchid. Ever. Just trust us here. Leave the support stick alone and no one will get hurt. In the event that you do not follow this advice, Flower Palace cannot be held responsible for physical, emotional or property damage.
7) APPRECIATION: Orchids love compliments. Be sure to constantly tell your orchid that it is the most beautiful orchid you have ever seen. Orchids never get tired of hearing this! Flower Palace cannot be held responsible for physical, emotional or property damage in the event that your orchid suspects you are lying.
8) RETURN POLICY: Flower Palace will not accept returns of gifted orchids under any circumstances. Your beautiful orchid is your problem now. For your safety we recommend that you do not ever let your orchid know you were even thinking of returning it.
Enjoy your beautiful orchid!
I Heard Tell 