Humor and Satire– Shmatire!

Tag Archives: Birds

This afternoon I saw a couple of hawk-like birds circling overhead while taking a walk.

“Huh.  I wonder what those are,” I thought.  “When I get home, I should look them up in my bird book!”

Then I realized how nerdy that thought was.

“Wow, I’m such a nerd.” I thought.  “I should write a blog post about it.”

Then I realized how UNBELIEVEABLY nerdy THAT next thought was.

Which made me want to post about it even more.  And each time I thought that, I thought about how it made me exponentially more nerdy each time I thought it.

So, my question is, where does it end?  It reminds me of how the Cracker Jack box used to blow my developing mind every time I looked at it as a kid.  Remember how the Cracker Jack box has a picture on it of a sailor (?!? that seems weird now?!?!) holding….a box of Cracker Jacks!  And on that box, you could just make out a picture of a sailor, holding…wait for it…a Cracker Jack box!  And on that Cracker Jack box, even though the blurry two-color printing on the box couldn’t show it, you just KNEW there was another sailor holding a Cracker Jack box, and on that Cracker Jack box….This was the kind of thing that used to keep me up at night when I was six.

Anyway, my train of thought this afternoon, like that crackerjack box, may just keep continuing on until I explode in a cosmic burst of nerdy light.  A cosmic burst of light that will likely be wearing a pocket protector.  And have its glasses held together with tape.  And be thinking about birds.

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When you get down to brass tacks, Patrick Ewing doesn’t stand a chance of being better than birds.
For one thing, as poetical as you might like to be in describing his graceful and airborne movements on the basketball field, Patrick Ewing can’t even fly. He doesn’t come close to flying, if flying describes a movement in which an object, such as bird or potentially Patrick Ewing if he could fly which he can’t, leaves the ground for a fairly long period of time. Let’s say at least a minute. I have never seen Patrick Ewing leave the ground for that long. I’m not saying I watch him all the time; but I’m sure that if he has I would have heard about it in the news. So, Patrick Ewing loses at flying, and birds win. Sure, you could argue that there are certain birds that can’t fly, like the kiwi and the ostrich. My response to that is, those are only a small fraction of the entire population of birds. Possibly there are small fractions of Patrick Ewing that can fly, like his shoes, particularly if they are thrown upwards with great force.
Then you have the matter of eating. Birdwatching has blossomed into a fine and respectable hobby in the last century. People even put feeders in their backyards and fill them with seeds in order to watch birds eat from the comfort of their homes. If I ever saw Patrick Ewing eating out of my birdfeeder I would immediately draw my blinds in protest. That is not where he belongs.
Now, don’t assume that I was not going to take into account the fact that there are many things that Patrick Ewing can do well, that birds can’t. This is a valid point. Patrick Ewing, from what I understand, is a basketball champion. He has game. And while birds also have game, it is more in the arena of worm location and nest building, neither of which will get you drafted into the NBA. However, while Patrick Ewing can brag about how many high scores he can get in a basketball game, he also has something that birds lack: arms. Birds really don’t have arms– they have wings, but wings serve one purpose only, while arms are useful in many various ways. So of course Patrick Ewing is good at basketball! But why isn’t he good at nest building? You would think, with arms like his, that he would also be a champion nest builder. And yet, you will find, that there is no record of any sort of nest that has ever been created by Patrick Ewing with his arms. This is because he is lazy, and because of that, he is far inferior to birds in every meaningful way. The early Patrick Ewing does not get the worm, because he never bothers to, even though he could easily do so with his arms.
I rest my case.



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