Dear Government,

I have made some bad  investment decisions in the past.  These include:

-Added applications to my cell phone plan that I rarely use, like “SnoodBlaster” which was only fun for like 10 minutes

-Bought tight pants; accidentally put them in dryer, making them too small to wear again

-Signed up for Netflix, then allowed boyfriend to queue “National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets”

I realize now that these were bad choices, but there is no way for me to recoup my losses for any of them.  I would like you to consider the fact that if I go bankrupt as the result of continued bad decisions like these, it could affect millions of other American investments and lives.  It probably won’t– I’m just saying, you never know.  Please bail me out?  I only need about ten billion dollars.  I promise to make it worth your while.