Dear Wall Street,

I wanted to thank you for doing your part to make older Americans feel less marginalized. Thanks to your efforts, those men and women who are close to retirement no longer need exit the workforce and sit on the sidelines. What could they possibly accomplish, spending their twilight years relaxing and reflecting? Where’s the dignity in that? Grandchildren get boring quickly. World travel is overrated. Today’s seniors want more out of retirement than a chance to sit back and enjoy the golden years they spent decades saving for. You’ve given them not only the privilege, but also the absolute necessity, to get back out into the workplace and prove themselves—by showing us they still know how to earn money to buy themselves food and medicine!

You recognize that today’s elders don’t want to slow down! They want to be on the move—working and earning income just like regular Joe forty-something Americans! If you’re only as old as you act, just think how young and spry your average seventy-year-old will feel when he’s earning minimum wage again—just like he did as a teenager! Yes, an abrupt and staggering loss of the retirement savings they spent years cultivating is just the kick in the baggy polyester pants that today’s vibrant elderly population needed! Soon they’ll be back out in the workforce in slow droves, chasing the American dream again—if they can remember where they left it. Competition between three generations of American workers is just the kind of rivalry that will really drive the marketplace!