Is Basketball the one with the big round ball you aren’t supposed to kick?

MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I must admit, I was a little worried about filling in a bracket for the National Somethingball Championship Thing. But actually, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! It only took me a few minutes, and I’m told the fun will last a lifetime, which is about as long as your average college basketball game lasts, as far as I’m concerned. And not a fun lifetime, either. A lifetime spent feeling cold and hungry. A lifetime spent wearing wet pants.

But some people care. This is for those people, even though we probably wouldn’t be friends if we actually met. Here are my extremely well-researched and educated picks for the 2009 NCAA Bracket of Basketball Sport Playing:

Easty Like Sunday Morning

There are a lot of good teams in the East for sure. Many of them are overly tall—but they carry it well, and they know how to dress. I’m expecting big things from Pittsburgh, because folks owe me there. They know who they are and they know what they did. The Tennessee Volunteers are slated to do pretty well if enough of them show up this time. And who’s up for some steamy Longhorn on Gopher action? The fire and ice of Texas vs. Minnesota may not be appropriate for young viewers.

Midwest Shmidwest

The Cardinals are predicted to do a mighty victory dance on the bald noggins of the Morehead St. Eagles. I mean, have you SEEN the look on that Cardinal’s face? He has TEETH. He looks like he could cut a bitch, whereas the wussy Morehead Eagle just kind of struts around like he’s the BMOC. We’ll see about that, Eagle. We’ll just see. Meanwhile, fans have trouble even looking at the Utah “Runnin’ Utes” because they sound like some kind of unfortunate infection. Speaking of which, someone needs to put Arizona in its place, but no one can—it’s too big. Boston College is expected to do their best, so that even if they don’t win, they’ll know deep down inside that they tried. That’s what’s important!

Best Western

Watch out, Purdue Boilermakers! Don’t quit your day jobs. My vote is for the California Golden Bears, because they’re unstoppable at being cuddly. Also, blondes in the animal kingdom also have more fun. Still, I’d like to see the Northern Iowa Panthers go home with something, since they have to go home to Northern Iowa. The CSU Northridge Matadors should get points for chutzpah. Maybe someday they will play the Chicago Bulls. It seems only fair.

Going South

The Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks are pretty good at cutting trees, but can they cut balls? The jury is still out. The Akron Zips and the Illinois Fightin’ Illini are in a dead heat for worst team name—but if they combine forces and become the Illikron Fightin’ Zips, they have a chance at signing a record deal as a Ska-Core band. As a North Carolina resident, I’ve got a feeling the Tarheels are going to have a great season from overhearing people talking about it in the breakroom at work. The Tarheels have a star player named Ty Lawson. I know this because he is on our state dollar bill.

Posted by guyincognito42 in Humor, Perpetual Post, Satire Tags: basketball stuff, bracket, NCAA, tourney