I overdid it. I always do.
Excited by my purchase last month of one of those seductive little jars of scented oil that has a handful of thin little sticks poking out of it (it made the downstairs bathroom smell like VANILLA!), I ran back to TJ MAXX and bought three more scented bottles and distributed them upstairs.
While at first I enjoyed the olfactory safari I was transported on as I roamed through the house, after a day my nose was on overload. Every time I entered a room I was hit by a different scent of artificial, manufactured tranquility. Apple! Honeysuckle! Some sort of Fall scent that smelled like juice! Disoriented, I lay down this afternoon to take a 90 minute nap and had vivid, terrifying dreams. I woke up cringing in fear to the overwhelming, incongruous scent of apple. Why did I want my room to smell like this anyway? Enough was enough.
I freaked out, collected each bottle and screwed it shut and buried them all in the back of the hall closet.
Now I relish the actual smells of our house: Coffee. Used dryer sheets. Dog. That burny smell the vacuum leaves behind. Ahhhh. That’s more like it.
Democrats: Hey, we’re about to drive off a cliff, so let’s just turn this car to the left to stay on the road.
Republicans: Wait a minute. Not only are we about to drive off a cliff, but this car is also feeling extremely cold! Turn down the air conditioning right this minute!
Tea Party Republicans: That’s right! Turning off the A/C is the most important thing to do right now! We have been irresponsible for far too long, keeping temperatures in this car at much lower levels than is reasonable, given our gas mileage and the price of oil! It’s going to get warmer if we turn the A/C down, but we’re all going to have to make some sacrifices here!
Democrats: Wait a minute. Yes, the A/C is on pretty high. But it’s extremely hot out, and lots of people depend on that A/C right now. Turning it down is going to affect some passengers a lot more than others. Maybe the people in the front of the car, who are much closer to the cold air, could trade places with those in the back and give some other people the chance to cool off?
Tea Party Republicans: The people in front have earned the right to be in front! We are not turning this car around until you promise that the people in the front can stay where they are.
Democrats: Turn the car around! Just turn the car around! Why are we even debating this?
Tea Party Republicans: I don’t know why you’re so concerned about that cliff. There is no proof that driving off a cliff can kill you. You are just trying to scare everyone.
Democrats: The only way you’ll help us turn this car around is if we turn down the A/C and everyone stays where they are?
Tea Party Republicans: Damn skippy.
Democrats: I have half a mind to just let us drive off this cliff.
Republicans: Are you saying you’d rather we all die than turn down your precious A/C? Don’t you care about anyone in this car?!
Democrats: Fine. We’ll turn off the A/C and everyone can stay put. Most of the passengers in this car are not going to like that, but I guess it’s the only way we can get you to hit the brakes.
Tea Party Republicans: Fine. But I still say it’s much too cold in here.
Car: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal.
American People: You all suck.
You would imagine that having a forty-five minute commute twice each day would have driven my ears into the arms of books on tape* long ago. But instead, for over two years, I endured that long drive each day with only NPR and a handful of various other radio stations (one classic Rock, several Top 40, one R&B and a delightfully obscure and indie-flavored college station to be exact) for company.
I am embarrassed to say this, but my excuse for not venturing into audio book territory was pretty sad. “I’m a very fast reader,” I actually thought to myself, a tad smugly. “Listening to someone tell me a story is going to frustrate me to no end. I’d rather just read books and listen to music.”
Man, was I full of it. I had no idea what I was missing out on. I’m so glad I didn’t wait any longer than this to find out.
The first book I listened to, several months ago, had been a Christmas gift from Mom, a giant, 14-CD tome entitled, “The Memory of Running”, by Ron McLarty. What drew me to it was the fact that the author was narrating his own book. This gave it some sort of extra authenticity, I thought. But not only that—the story was gripping, the characters were interesting, and best of all, I was reading while I was driving! I was actually accomplishing something while in my car, other than getting to and from work, which is not that big an accomplishment by itself, as it is more or less expected of me every day anyway!
I was still not sure this audio book thing was for me. But I went to the library and got another one. This time it was “Diary”, by Chuck Palahniuk, an author I had always been meaning to read. The narrator was different too, and I wasn’t sure I’d like that, either, since I was so used to my first narrator. But guess what, I did! I loved it!
So, recklessly, I checked out a third, and a fourth, and a fifth book, each of which I got through in a week or two, thanks to my long drive. Each time I listened, enthralled, to a new story, I thought, ‘There is a very specific reason I like this as an audiobook. It’s because it’s about writing, or it’s because it’s about New York City, or it’s because it reminds me of a particular time in my life.’ But really, I think I just liked them because I like books!
Right now I’m listening to a book that’s narrated by George Guidall, whose narrations I’m quickly becoming a huge fan of. He is somehow able to convey the distinct voices of the various characters perfectly—and even though he is an older man, and speaks in a slight falsetto when he reads the dialogue of a female character, he does so without sounding the least bit ridiculous. I don’t know how he does it, but he’s that good—and as a result, he appears to work a lot in the audio book business. So far, he’s narrated three of the books I’ve listened to. I like finding narrators whose readings I enjoy—and it’s particularly nice when they’ve recorded a lot of titles. When you like the book, and you like the narrator, there’s a nice little synchrony that goes on.
So, in conclusion, books on tape* are great! If you drive a lot, and you’ve been thinking about giving them a try, I wholeheartedly recommend it. Especially because you can generally get them free at the library, and I’m cheap. I now visit the library every two weeks like clockwork. It’s a ritual I very much enjoy.
Below are a list of the audio books I’ve listened to and loved so far:
The Memory of Running, by Ron McLarty, read by same. Fun, engaging story, great narrator.
Inherent Vice, by Thomas Pynchon, read by Ron McLarty. While I like Pynchon’s colorful use of language, it’s sometimes hard for me to follow on the page. I feel like this would have been a hard slog to get through on paper. Plus it was a detective novel, and I am a complete flake when it comes to following mystery plot-lines. As it was, I was able to drift in and out of the storyline as I listened and let the language wash over me, which was delightful.
Diary, by Chuck Palahniuk, read by Martha Plimpton. I love books about small, creepy seaside towns and crazy artists and the artistic process. As a result, this one was right up my alley.
The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, read by George Guidall. This was a great story, but really depressing. I’d still like to finish it, but I may have lost my momentum. Damn whoever requested it while I had it, which meant that I had to give it back to the Garner Public Library before I finished it! Also, who on earth requests the audio book version of Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle”?
The Accidental Tourist, by Anne Tyler, read by George Guidall. This book was FANTASTIC. And the experience of listening to it was wonderful. I never thought I would be excited to get in my car and commute until I started listening to audio books.
Exit Ghost, by Philip Roth, read by George Guidall. Another excellent read. I can’t believe I’d never read Philip Roth before. Now that I’ve discovered him I keep wanting to say to people, “You know who’s a great author? This guy named Philip Roth!” This is probably unnecessary though.
*Yes, I know, they’re not on tape any more, they’re on CD. So shoot me.
I would like to share with you, in case you missed it, my discussion from over at the Perpetual Post of how many more days off a year the Senate has than we do. I think it’s even more apropos right now.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: When our Senators, their upper lips trembling and brows sweating in sheer amazement at the brute strength of their own astounding willpower, conceded that instead of taking a week off for the July Fourth holiday, they would instead stay in Washington and continue to prop up our failing budget, it gave me pause.
They get a whole week off? For the Fourth of July holiday? I’m not positive about this, but I’m pretty certain that most of us got just one day off. The fourth day of July, to be exact. And that’s if we are lucky— those of us who work in retail, food service or used car sales do not in fact generally have that day off, let alone the entire week. Maybe the Senate just needs the additional time to be extra patriotic?
I decided to investigate the matter further, went online and in a few minutes dug up the Senate’s tentative annual calendar, which is available in a handy .pdf form so that you can see just exactly how many days out of the year our Senators are not in session. It’s a lot of days! So many days, in fact, that I wondered why they were so sad to give up that week in July.
I suppose it IS the only entire week that they have off in July—although they DID just have an entire week off in June, and they DO have the entire month of August off. And the first week of September. Oh, and the last week of September. Also, most of January.
To make it easy for you, since I know you don’t have a lot of free time, unlike the Senate, I even did the math.
First off, of course there are 365 days in a year. Assuming that weekends count for approximately 104 days a year, if you subtract those, that leaves 261 working days in a year. Let’s also be generous and subtract 1 holiday a month, average, (although not many jobs give you 1 holiday off a month) leaving 249 days a year.
Going by their online calendar, the Senate is in session for 192 days a year. Subtract that from 249 available working days: that leaves 57 working days a year when the Senate is not in session.
“But Molly,” you’re thinking. “Senators have plenty of other things that they have to be doing when they’re not actually in session. They are probably using those other days to meet with constituents and do other Senatorey things that they can’t do while they are in session.”
To that I say, Sure! Certainly Senators need some time to schedule in travel for in-person meetings and to do other work. But really, don’t you think that with the advent of the telephone, email, video conferencing and other marvels of modern technology which have given many workers across the globe the ability to telecommute and to work excruciatingly demanding hours—wouldn’t some of those conveniences apply to our Senate? Couldn’t they be used to shave off some of that required extra time? Do our Senators have to meet with their constituents in person? Do they really need that much time off?
Not only that, but I don’t think that a lot of those session-free weeks are intended to be working weeks—if they were, would five of them (five weeks!) be scheduled around a national holiday? This leads me to believe that those session-less weeks are not intended to be a time for our Senators to be having meetings and doing work, since they’re during a time when most working people schedule their vacations.
There are in fact only two months out of the year when our Senators do NOT have an entire week when they are not in session. But don’t worry, they have a long weekend in each of those months. I’m sure they really need it by then!
Yesterday after work I picked up the dog’s medication, dropped some books off at the library, then went back to our apartment we’re still moving out of to get our plants and bring them to the new house.
Oh, and I bought mouthwash.
I seem to have turned into the kind of person who would bore Mr. Rogers. When did this happen?
Was there a fork in the road a few years back that I ignored? Some missed opportunity; a pivotal moment in my life when I had the chance to become a roadie for KISS or to join an astronaut shuttle program, and I blew it?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the life I have. But I sometimes wonder: In some parallel universe is there a wilder, more carefree version of me climbing Mount Everest or riding wild horses across the desert?
When you helpfully remind me to lift with my legs, I will roll my eyes and yell at you to mind your own business, and then return to lifting diligently with my back.
When I am carrying something big and heavy down a flight of stairs, I need to be able to watch my feet carefully. This means that I am not able to carry anything large enough to prevent my being able to look down and instantly be reassured by the sight of my stair-descending feet.
Last night I dreamt that I was in a stand-up comedy competition. I had some great jokes lined up! Except because they were dream jokes, I am now fairly certain that they did not actually make sense. I wish I could remember them. The only one I do remember, went something like this:
“You know those girls who are always looking to their boyfriends like, ‘do I look ok? Is it all right if I do this or that?’ They do this because their boyfriends are jerks!”
That one totally killed! The audience was rolling in the aisles. At least now I know I can always find work in my dreams as a stand-up comedian.
Is there anything better than getting a card from a six year old that says, “I LOVE YOU MOLLY AND YOU ARE MY FREND AND WE ARE BEST FRENDS FOR EVER”?
I wouldn’t know how to beat that. How can you beat that?
I Heard Tell 