Is Basketball the one with the big round ball you aren’t supposed to kick?
MOLLY SCHOEMANN: I must admit, I was a little worried about filling in a bracket for the National Somethingball Championship Thing. But actually, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! It only took me a few minutes, and I’m told the fun will last a lifetime, which is about as long as your average college basketball game lasts, as far as I’m concerned. And not a fun lifetime, either. A lifetime spent feeling cold and hungry. A lifetime spent wearing wet pants.
But some people care. This is for those people, even though we probably wouldn’t be friends if we actually met. Here are my extremely well-researched and educated picks for the 2009 NCAA Bracket of Basketball Sport Playing:
Easty Like Sunday Morning
There are a lot of good teams in the East for sure. Many of them are overly tall—but they carry it well, and they know how to dress. I’m expecting big things from Pittsburgh, because folks owe me there. They know who they are and they know what they did. The Tennessee Volunteers are slated to do pretty well if enough of them show up this time. And who’s up for some steamy Longhorn on Gopher action? The fire and ice of Texas vs. Minnesota may not be appropriate for young viewers.
Midwest Shmidwest
The Cardinals are predicted to do a mighty victory dance on the bald noggins of the Morehead St. Eagles. I mean, have you SEEN the look on that Cardinal’s face? He has TEETH. He looks like he could cut a bitch, whereas the wussy Morehead Eagle just kind of struts around like he’s the BMOC. We’ll see about that, Eagle. We’ll just see. Meanwhile, fans have trouble even looking at the Utah “Runnin’ Utes” because they sound like some kind of unfortunate infection. Speaking of which, someone needs to put Arizona in its place, but no one can—it’s too big. Boston College is expected to do their best, so that even if they don’t win, they’ll know deep down inside that they tried. That’s what’s important!
Best Western
Watch out, Purdue Boilermakers! Don’t quit your day jobs. My vote is for the California Golden Bears, because they’re unstoppable at being cuddly. Also, blondes in the animal kingdom also have more fun. Still, I’d like to see the Northern Iowa Panthers go home with something, since they have to go home to Northern Iowa. The CSU Northridge Matadors should get points for chutzpah. Maybe someday they will play the Chicago Bulls. It seems only fair.
Going South
The Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks are pretty good at cutting trees, but can they cut balls? The jury is still out. The Akron Zips and the Illinois Fightin’ Illini are in a dead heat for worst team name—but if they combine forces and become the Illikron Fightin’ Zips, they have a chance at signing a record deal as a Ska-Core band. As a North Carolina resident, I’ve got a feeling the Tarheels are going to have a great season from overhearing people talking about it in the breakroom at work. The Tarheels have a star player named Ty Lawson. I know this because he is on our state dollar bill.
Jillian and I took on abstinence vs. unwanted babies in this week’s Perpetual Post. Read her take on abstinence here.
MOLLY SCHOEMANN:
Surprise! Accidental pregnancies are the new planned pregnancies! And pregnant is the new successful.
Everybody loves surprises—and what could be more exciting than the surprise of life? Everybody loves life! And everybody LOVES babies. Need proof? Just look around you! Everyone’s got a cute little baby these days. What are you waiting for? A career?!
Nothing helps you find your place in the world quite like a baby. Not sure where you’re going in life? Feeling aimless, worried about the future, and unsure of what you really have to offer anyone? Drift around long enough in dead-end social circles and pursue enough unfulfilling, destructive relationships, and chances are, sooner or later you will either knock someone up, or get knocked up yourself—and, voila! Suddenly, you’re a parent! Instant purpose! Nobody can doubt that you’re important once you’ve had a baby. After all, babies are the future.
And really, what could be more of a blessing than a surprising new baby? Babies bring joy and sunshine into the lives of everyone around them. A baby can be a lot of work, but it can also bring families together, to say things like, “Who is going to take care of this baby?”, and “I guess you better drop out of school.” And who likes school anyway? Nobody cool! That’s right—have a baby, and you can quit school and sleep late every day!
Have trouble making friends or connecting with others? Parents don’t understand you? You better believe your new baby will!
Insecure about your relationship? Concerned that your boyfriend or girlfriend might be thinking of leaving you? Throw a baby in the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for lasting love. Nothing brings two dissimilar people closer or strengthens a tenuous relationship like a sudden influx of serious financial and emotional responsibilities. If your boy or girlfriend comes from a religious background, so much the better! To their families, an unexpected baby is God’s way of saying, “Get married right away.”
Think about it. Babies go with every outfit. And you can dress them up to look like a miniature version of yourself, just like the miniature version of you that they are sure to become when they grow up! Pierce baby’s ears, style baby’s hair, spend the money you earn at your part-time job to dress baby in the latest wee fashions. Clubs won’t let you in without a fake ID? Just show them your baby, and they’ll assume you must be old enough to drink! After all, you have a baby, don’t you?
You must have done something right, to end up with a baby.
The following statement was released from the owner and operator of Ski Land, which rented a Jet Ski to Chris Brown on Miami Beach last week. Find it on the Perpetual Post on Tuesday.
“Ski Land and its affiliates are extremely saddened and distressed by the way in which the Jet Ski we provided to Chris Brown made him appear to be enjoying himself in Miami last week. As the owner and operator of Ski Land, Miami’s premier Jet Ski rental facility, I would like to apologize for this oversight. It was never our intention to harm the reputation of a valued customer, and we are deeply sorry to have caused Chris Brown to suffer due to the reactions of those who saw him having fun while riding our Jet Ski.
Please remember that although the celebrated musical star may have seemed to be smiling while riding his Jet Ski, Ski Land and its affiliates did not intend for the exhilarating sensation of skiing on top of water to interfere in any public way with Chris Brown’s emotional state, which, surely, was one of great remorse and contrition, pending the outcome of his current situation.
In Chris Brown’s defense, in my ten years of owning and operating Ski Land, I have yet to see a customer who did not smile at least once while riding one of our fine Jet Skis. Chris Brown faced nearly insurmountable odds against not enjoying himself that sunny afternoon in Miami, particularly since his plans for the rest of the evening included drinking, partying, and other penitent activities which he was clearly looking forward to not enjoying due to his profound remorse.
It is our sincere hope that with the help of his pastor, who, according to the Brown’s legal team, was Jet Skiing alongside him, Chris Brown will be able to face the difficult times ahead, while perceptibly displaying what we all know are his true feelings of heartfelt sadness and regret.”
I took on Rachael Ray in last week’s issue of the Perpetual Post. In case you missed it, find it here, along with Akie’s rebuttal.
You can find my argument in favor of generic cereals in the latest edition of the Perpetual Post, here.
Howard’s rebuttal can also be found there. The man loves his corn pops.
An ad at the top of my wordpress dashboard suggested the following:
“WordPress tip: Be the master of your own domain – make this blog easymollyschoemann.com for just $15 per year.”
That kind of sounds more like starting my own business, WordPress. Thanks for the offer, I’m going to sleep on it.
An article I wrote recently decrying the decision to revoke the blanket text-to-speech option on the Kindle 2, as well as Steve Murphy’s Kindle musings can be found on the Perpetual Post here!
Below is a sneak-peek at my next article for the Perpetual Post, in response to Bobby Jindal’s remark last week: “Volcanoes Should Be Monitored”. Howard’s rebuttal: “Volcanoes: Free Market!” can be found here.
VOLCANOES SHOULD BE MONITORED!
The idea that volcano monitoring is wasteful spending is ludicrous. This statement, made by Governor Bobby Jindal after the President’s televised speech to a joint session of Congress last week, was witnessed by millions-which in itself is extremely dangerous. Not only do volcanoes need to be monitored, but they need to KNOW that they are being monitored, so they don’t get any ideas.
Americans are a fussy, over-attentive people. We monitor our blood sugar, our lavish houses, and our sleeping babies-and none of those things, with the possible exception of the babies, have the potential to release explosive clouds of noxious fumes and ash into the atmosphere, followed by torrents of deadly molten lava. (Even if the babies do release clouds of noxious fumes, they are unlikely to level an entire village.)
The careful observation of unpredictable and potentially devastating natural energies gives our government the chance to avert catastrophes and save countless human lives. And even in situations where natural disasters are unpreventable, officials can still react quickly and efficiently to avert a crisis-that is, if the government feels like bothering, and has the time to intervene. Sometimes, it’s a little busy, and people need to take care of themselves.
Sure, $140 million may seem like a lot of money to spend on volcano monitoring, but citizens should keep in mind that the technologies used for surveillance are constantly developing and improving. In fact, in recent years, modern strategies have included encouraging volcanoes to join online social networking sites. This is a tremendous help to volcano monitoring teams, since it gives them up-to-the-minute information on certain volcanoes. They know immediately which fiery craters were at Mount Kilimanjaro’s New Year’s Eve party, and which are in a bad mood because Studio 60 got cancelled. Status messages such as, “Mount Shasta is feelin kinda restless and explodey lately“, or “Mauna Kea is watch out people!” are invaluable, as they tell us precisely, in a crater’s own words, what we may be able to expect from it. Learning through Facebook that, “Mount St. Helens can’t remember the last time I tasted a virgin’s blood…hint, hint!“, tells volcano monitors that they’d better get moving and scare up a few virgins to placate that particular volcano.
Which leads to my final point: Without keeping tabs on volcano activity, how will we know when the Gods are angry with us? Who will tell us that Pele is pleased, or that Keuakepo is in the mood for revenge? Clearly, no price is too high for volcano monitoring.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!! doing my taxes.
booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I Heard Tell 